Some fellas will read that title and take offense…

The man she needs me to be?

So let me add a preface…

This is also the man you need to be, but we often measure our masculinity in terms of the man we are for our lady. Even if you don’t have a lady, or even if you’re not all that concerned about being the man for her, the context of a relationship helps flesh out the masculine in relation to the feminine.

In our society we’re blending the genders.

We’re trying to make equity (where everything is the same) where what most of us would like is equality of opportunity, or even better, merit.

Here’s the reality:

Most women are feminine.

Most men are masculine.

An even greater reality is that most men want to be more masculine, they’ve just never been taught or told how to be.

And if they have been shown how to be a man, it may have been by a web site pushing pick up lines or men’s fashion – ie. tricks and aesthetics, which is almost the exact opposite of what true masculinity is.

In other corners of society (and the internet) men are told to be ashamed of their masculine traits, as if they should be sorry for their strength or aggression or assertive attitude.

Neither are good for men and neither are good for society.

We need masculine, strong, assertive, warriors leading our households and our communities, and this guiding away from said virtues begins in grade school where our way of educating is feminine, it’s tailored to the wonderful girls we’re raising, but not the boys. (Read This: 9 Mental Changes Every Boy Need to Make to Become a Man)

I remember being in school. Half the time I was looking outside. Sometimes I’d even get up and go outside in the middle of class just to get out of the sedated atmosphere of the classroom.

As a result, we have generations of young men and boys who’ve been either told that the masculine is wrong, that their natural inquisitions aren’t right, or that they should aspire to be something, to live a form of masculine that’s just weak, pussified, vain and even evil.

We have young men that think being with a woman is purely about sex. Of course it’s a big part of it, but the masculine and the feminine in a relationship is a part of why we’re here. It’s the yin and the yang, the lock and key.

To make it work as well as it should, we need to be men.

To make life work as well as it should, we need to be men. Masculine men. Not the metrosexual pansies found on pick up sites or AXE commercials.

So, the following is a list of characteristics you should watch out for. I like lists. They’re easy for the brain to conceive of. They bring things into checklists and make it simpler to comprehend.

Much of what’s in the list has been learned through experience. I’ve been a pansy, a pussy, and I’ve been a man. The two are determined in decisions and in our view of our Self. Being the man doesn’t have to be tied to accomplishment (though it helps), just like you don’t need accomplishment to be confident.

You need to know who you are, what you stand for, and live these values unwaveringly.

How to Be the Man She Needs You To Be (And You Need To Be)

1. Know what you want, both for your own life and for the relationship.

Know what you really want in life. Know what you want from the relationship. Think about this. Spend some time thinking about this.

If you don’t know what you want, how can you be a man on a mission? How can you be assertive if you don’t know what to be assertive about?

Set a plan. Then have everything in your life move toward that plan.

2. Be calm, but assertive.

Confidence isn’t boisterous; it’s calm. To be the man for your lady and for yourself you can’t walk around thinking you have to prove that you’re the man. You’re the lion. You’re the head of the pride. Take solace in the fact that you are who you are. (Read This: A Tue Man Is Confident But Never Arrogant)

Sure, you’re improving, but that’s a part of who you are. You’re a man on the rise and that confidence should lead to assertiveness as well as the knowledge that you know what you want. Few take the time to ever determine that.

3. Be the lion, not the peacock.

This is embarrassing to say, but I’ve been saying I want to kick that guys ass way too much lately. It’s weird. It’s not me. It doesn’t even matter the situation. Sometimes, if we’re not feeling like the man, we look to say something that proves our strength and assertiveness.

It’s stupid. It’s weak. It’s insecure.

You are the man, you don’t have to say things or plant seeds of masculinity in the mind of your lady. Be calm. Be confident. Be the lion, not the peacock.

4. Train your hands for war.

Men are men because of testosterone. We cannot talk about masculinity without talking about testosterone. They are, largely, one in the same. Testosterone, and how it works in the male body, gives us insight into why men are here and what being good at being a man, is.

Men get a bump in testosterone when we compete, another when we win, and another when we fight. Train your hands to do what men are here to do, protect.

Pick up a combat sport, be it boxing, kickboxing, BJJ, or whatever you fancy. The quiet confidence that comes from knowing that you can handle yourself if necessary is impossible to replicate in any other arena.

5. Be engaged in daily struggle.

We need struggle.  We need something that challenges us.

The worst guys I’ve seen are the ones who lay around all day. They play videogames. They’re not training or hustling. They’re not getting after it.

They’re not improving. They’re not struggling. They’re not suffering. They’re wasting away.

How can you live like that? How can you inspire confidence in your lady if you’re sitting on your ass being provided for, not providing?

Get up earlier.

Take cold showers.

Work hard in the gym.

Join a boxing gym.

Have a massive goal in your work.

Some guys will comment on this post or email me saying they’re just not motivated.

It doesn’t matter!

This is your life. Are you going to be 80, fat, having accomplished nothing, dying with regret, or will you get off your ass and start training, working, and LIVING?

Try This: The Lost Art of Discipline

6. Trust her, or dump her.

There’s no benefit to either of you to be suspicious of one another.

I have a natural tendency to not trust anyone. I just don’t trust people. But with a lady, if I’m with her, I trust her. She may screw me over, cheat on me, whatever. That’s a possibility in this day and age. I’m confident in who I am and that that’s more than good enough for the gal, but I can’t let that suspicious nature get in the way of the relationship.

So, I make a decision, either trust her COMPLETELY, or a break up with her. There cannot be any in between.

If you can’t trust a lady, don’t be with her. Simple. There’s no point. There’s no comfort. There’s no calm, just turmoil and stress, it’s no way to live.

7. Care for your lady.

You have to be on your own mission, your own path. You have to be the best version of yourself, that includes being a warrior and a badass if that’s who you are and want to be.

But care for her. Put her needs ahead of your own. Don’t think that being on your own path means being selfish. If you’re a man, you’re here to protect and provide.

In part, that means to serve.

Serve her. Lead her. Carry her. Aid her. Help her. Be a leader and a servant. Be confident and be humble.

This requires an asterisk…

You cannot be with a lady you’re not willing to serve or put before yourself. If you’re with someone just for the sake of being with them, or if you’re too proud to be the man we’ve talked about thus far, it’s not going to work.

Just like you have to trust her or dump her, you have to want to put her needs before your own or not be with her. Do your own shit, have your own mission, of course, but when you’re with her, she comes first. It’s just the way it is.

About The Author

Chad Howse: Chad’s mission is to get you in the arena, ‘marred by the dust and sweat and blood’, to help you set and achieve audacious goals in the face of fear, and not only build your ideal body, but the life you were meant to live.

You can contact him at –


  1. The Night Slasher

    Once again, brilliant work, good sir. I constantly read articles based upon relationships which state the man must utterly dominate his partner in order to keep things in good order for the relationship to work. Nothing could be further from the truth, really. The methods and ideals you’ve outlined in your article, Chad, are actually the way to do things. Mind you, other articles which state the contrary to what you’ve said – let’s just say I’ve not seen any of these authors able to maintain anything of stability yet.

  2. Very good advice. Ive been geting these vibes from my so and although im not sedentary i do consider myself lazy and too laid back. I need to be more active and participative and show my girl im taking care of her and our family before anything else


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Chad Howse

Chad’s mission is to get you in the arena, ‘marred by the dust and sweat and blood’, to help you set and achieve audacious goals in the face of fear, and not only build your ideal body, but the life you were meant to live.

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