We’re the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War’s a spiritual war… our Great Depression is our lives. We’ve all been raised on television to believe that one day we’d all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won’t. And we’re slowly learning that fact. And we’re very, very pissed off. ~Tyler Durden, Fight Club
Nearly every day I talk with men who are unhappy with the way they look, feel, and perform. They want a little more muscle here; A little less fat there. (Check This Out: The Man Diet)
And after talking with them, even just for a few moments, it becomes clear that a lot of their time and energy is taken up thinking about what they wished they could be. A part of me is thrilled to see people taking on the challenge of personal development; but there’s another part of me that’s in agony knowing they’re focusing on the wrong things.
Obviously, as someone who lives for fitness and personal development, I think that the journey of trying to become a better version of yourself is a worthwhile pursuit.
And often, the process of bettering ourselves requires that we look within and accept that there are things about our current selves from the way we look to the way we think and act need to change.
I call that process “productive awareness”, and yes, part of that is recognizing that right now, we have faults and habits and mindsets that are less than optimal.
But there’s a difference between recognizing faults and shortcomings so that we can improve them and being someone who’s stuck in a pattern of feeling inadequate. Too often, I see people stuck in the pattern of feeling inadequate. And it’s not doing any good to propel them closer to the person they want to become.
As men, we are facing a crisis that threatens our ability to forge a life of strength and passion. It’s time to face this crisis head on and fight back.
The Modern Day Crisis
Wanna know why you are unsatisfied with the way you look, perform, and feel?
You’re suffering from the ideal.
Your ideal self is all of the things you are not.
In your ideal life, you are the dude who gets what he wants, when he wants it. Women worship the ground you walk on and beg for your attention. You can bench 350 pounds and you have 17 inch arms and a chiseled six pack. You are the alpha male.
Your ideal self thinks, acts, and performs a certain way. He is everything to everyone.
Even if you recognize these as things that you don’t truly want in your life; a part of you deep down craves it.
But it’s fake. It’s what you think you want your “ideal” and it’s ruining your life.
You know what’s better than some mystical, hypothetical, ideal?
Reality. YOUR reality.
The struggle you’re enduring right now. The fight to figure out how to balance all of the stuff in your life with building an awesome body and being the man that you want to be.
The grueling pursuit of improvement that involves facing and owning up to your shortcomings.
It hurts. It stretches you. Sometimes it feels like it’s too much for you to handle. But it’s all you’ve got. And it’s REAL.
Stop running from it, chasing some perfect ideal that doesn’t exist. Embrace the day-to-day grind, the imperfections and the challenges.
How To Overcome The Crisis
“Stop trying to be like everyone else” something we’ve been told over and over again since we were two years old. But, to be honest, we suck at taking that advice.
By first grade, we notice that certain people get the attention and the praise of others.
We figure if we can be more like them, maybe we’ll get that recognition, too.
But it rarely plays out the way we hope. Maybe it works for a little bit, but after a while we realize more and more gaps between who we are and who they are you know, the people we’re trying to emulate.
We stop focusing on ourselves and keep trying more and more to be like them.
Now, 20 or 30 or even 40 years later we’re still stuck in the same place. Here are a few ways to end the cycle.
Embrace Yourself. Not in a weird way. Not in a way that you’re “perfect just how you are.” (Read This: Why You Think You’re Special Just The Way You Are)
You’ve got faults and bad habits and things that need to change. So do I, so does everyone. That’s okay.
Don’t stop trying to improve, but don’t get sucked into a vacuum of self-hatred, either.
Our society is so “connected” these days with social media that it’s difficult to drown out all of the noise enticing you into the “comparison trap.”
What’s the comparison trap? It’s the constant effort to see how we measure up against those around us. We scan through facebook or instagram or twitter and think…
That guy has more money than I do.
That guy takes more cool trips than I do.
That guy hangs out with more interesting people than I do.
Soon, instead of trying to become the best YOU you can be, you’re trying to live up to the standards of someone else and feeling like your life sucks.
When you play the comparison game, you take something that should be internal and make it external. No longer is progress about being the best you; instead, you’re trying to compete with the guy on the cover of a magazine or your older, more successful brother.
Man up, stop trying to be like someone else and have the guts to accept that becoming the best version of yourself is good enough.
Embrace Greatness. What does it mean to be great? Most of us haven’t taken to time to truly define this for ourselves, so instead, we rely on others to define it for us. And the world will tell you that money or fame or power is the answer.
If you want to live a fulfilling life, you’re gonna have to redefine greatness. On a recent episode of Lewis Howes’ The School of Greatness, Onnit CEO Aubrey Marcus defined greatness as “accessing our own inherent potential. There is no external definition of greatness.”
Being great is about being the best you that you can be. It doesn’t matter how that compares to what someone else looks like or accomplishes. It’s not about accolades or accomplishments. It’s about progressively pursuing the limits of your capability in all aspects of life.
Are you doing what you are capable of doing with your body and mind? That’s what matters.
Embrace the Suck. I don’t love that saying, but it applies. The modern crisis of man focuses on what we don’t have. Or worse, it focuses on what others have. And through that, we start to develop “someday” syndrome.
As in, “I’ll be happy someday when…” or “I’ll be ‘good enough’ someday when…”
The struggle you’re facing right now to change your body or your mind or your financial situation has a lot of value. It’s a productive struggle. Sure, it’s tough, but it’s also fulfilling, if you seize the opportunity for self-growth.
Stop buying the lie that fulfillment is found in reaching the destination and start embracing the journey.
Do This Now
We all fight wars—in our work, within our families and abroad in the wider world. Each of us struggles every day to define and defend our sense of purpose and integrity, to justify our existence on the planet and to understand, if only within our own hearts, who we are and what we believe in. Steven Pressfield, The Warrior Ethos
One of the hardest things we can do in this life is to be ourselves. Who are you? Society tells you, your family tells you, laws and customs tell you… but what do you say? It’s time to step up and decide for yourself who you are and what you’re about.
Here are a few questions to get you started…
- What are my core values?
- How have I been comparing myself to some mythical ‘ideal’ based on others?
- How can I
- In what ways has “someday syndrome” been holding you back from happiness in the present?
- What does “greatness” look like for me?
Take 30 minutes or an hour and come up with answers to these questions. This is your code, your personal warrior ethos.
Now go out there and live it.
About The Author
Eric Weinbrenner is the founder of Muscle That Matters, a website dedicated to turning average joes into the strongest, most badass version of themselves by providing simple, effective, muscle building, fat loss, and mindset strategies. Tired of the Dadbod? Get jacked instead. Pick up your free copy of The Anti-Dad Bod Plan and start building the body you want.
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