I just got an email from a guy. It’s an email I’ve heard many a time, one that could have been written by me a decade ago. So, I feel I have some history that will help me answer it, and more than anything I’ll take the wisdom of others before me to answer a question I get more than once every day. (Read This: 4 Lessons Learned if My First 30 Years)
How do I change my life? I don’t like the way I’m living right now…
That’s how it usually goes…
A desire to change one’s circumstances.
I have that desire, even recently, where you get down, you see what you don’t have rather than what you do, you see where you want your life to be and that man you want to become rather than the man you can already potentially be, and it sucks.
When I’m there in that moment where gloom is all around, there are two books I think of…
The first is Man’s Search for Meaning, by Viktor Frankl. The second is Thoughts of a Philosophical Fighter Pilot, by John Stockdale. Both are about unjust suffering. Both are about finding meaning within that unjust suffering. Thus, a man who isn’t unjustly suffering really has no excuse to feel down.
The power to change is within us, our actions, and the choices we make about what emotions to follow and which ones to ignore, what thoughts to develop and which ones to expel.
For lack of a better phrase I tell myself to man up!
- You have to realize that where you are is where you deserve to be.
You have to accept your reality, but also the power you have to change it. The problem with accepting the power to change it is that we’ve become a very entitled society. We think we deserve things without merit.
We think that just because someone has what we want that we deserve what they have. In most cases we haven’t seen the work that went into getting it, and in the very few cases of birthright, that is, being born into wealth, it isn’t theirs. They didn’t earn it and so they didn’t acquire the virtues, values, grit, and toughness to maintain it or to become the man that can use it for good.
Accepting your reality is a must, as is realizing that with hard work and persistence you can change it.
- You have to realize that if you don’t like your life and you intend to change it you’re going to have to do things you’ve never done and things you’re afraid to do.
This is why most people will ask how to change their life, but few will take the necessary steps to do so – myself included. I don’t automatically have the motivation to work the hours I need to work or to take the risks needed to experience the life I want to live. It takes work and the facing of fears, and add in a little daring.
Most won’t do this though. They won’t stick to it long enough because they decide somewhere down the line that this sheer amount of work just isn’t worth it. That they’d rather remain than improve if 17 hour days is what improvement requires.
Most won’t face their fears. (Read This: Embrace Your Fears)
For one, they won’t be real with themselves and they won’t have the self-awareness to correctly identify their fears. Second, they won’t have the guts to actually walk right into them.
So, this is where you’re at.
This is where I’ve been at and will be at once again.
You need to identify specifically what is the life you want to lead.
For this, you must be audacious, but you must also be real with yourself. You cannot want what society tells you to want. That won’t give you what you need. You need to figure out what you want. This can take time, travel, and a lot of trial and error.
It will also require a lot of reading, contemplation, and silence. I can’t figure things out in the middle of a city with idiot after idiot mindlessly walking around with no real thought about what it is they’re doing and why they’re doing it. Many refer to this as the rat race.
How can we find clarity amidst such a race?
So get out into nature, go camping, bring the right book and ask the right questions.
When you figure out what it is you want – or at least what it is you want right now, because this will surely change – you then need a hefty set of balls. (Check This Out: The Pursuit of Something Worth Dying For)
That is, you need to do what most people are afraid to do and pursue whatever it is that you want to pursue.
Here’s the thing, that pursuit could be a family, and your job may just be a means to feed your little ones. I’m not going to tell you what your pursuit should be or what area you should focus, I’m just going to say you need to have the guts to pursue it or understand that flaw in logic of not pursuing it.
The Reality of One Life Where Time is in Play
The reality is that there is no sound logic in living a miserable life. It makes no sense.
To be selfish, greedy, setting small goals and following someone else’s idea of success makes no sense when you factor in time and the singularity of life.
You have one life, and with each day that life is getting closer to ending. Couple that with the fact that you have no clue how it will end and the necessity to act now becomes immediate.
Remember, though, that success, purpose, meaning and fulfillment won’t be immediate. Like all good things they take work, hard work, and persistence.
Regardless, you must act now. To waste any more time simply makes no sense. Not only that, it’s a slap in the face of your Maker – if you believe in Him – for giving you said time and not using it as best you can. It’s also a slap in the face of those who’ve come before you, whether you know them or not, and have made sacrifices to get you where you are, namely soldiers who’ve fought for freedom and your folks.
Again, though, it’s on you to make a move.
Be a Man of Value
Finally, I’m convinced that at some point in our lives we’ll realize that living purely for ourselves will be futile. We need to be men of value, as it’s being of value that gives us purpose and connection.
The rat race, the chase for more also makes little sense. More of what? Stuff? Stuff doesn’t bring happiness nor value nor meaning. It clogs your life. So the pursuit of mere money won’t ever be enough. Money must be a barometer, if you like, of how good you are at what you do, not the reason for what you do.
To buy things to impress people we don’t like makes no sense. To be a man of value, or purpose, does.
The Answer
The answer is simple.
If you don’t like the life you’re living, change it.
Stop making excuses. Stop giving reasons as to why you can’t change it, just begin changing it.
Determine what it is you want; what the focus of your deepest ambitions is, and do what you can do become great at what it is you want to do or who it is you want to become, or both.
But get off your ass.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself.
Stop pitying yourself.
Stop whining and crying and wishing things were different. They aren’t. And they won’t be until YOU do something about it.
So get to work.
About The Author
Chad Howse: Chad’s mission is to get you in the arena, ‘marred by the dust and sweat and blood’, to help you set and achieve audacious goals in the face of fear, and not only build your ideal body, but the life you were meant to live. He’ll give you the kick in the ass needed to help you live a big, ambitious life.
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